I’ve been putting a lot of thought into this adult theme park over the last few months. Something this big doesn’t just get spurted out of the idea whale’s blowhole and never bob to the surface, you know. You gotta tease out your ideas, really tickle out the best of them and drown the worst to show you’re committed. So I decided to get down to business and cup the theme park spout, if you will.
This beaut will be on the lips of every man, woman, and child. Yep, you kids will be jealous, but tough luck. Grow some leg hair, hit your quarter life crisis, and get a job. Then we’ll talk about admission prices.
PS: You shouldn’t be reading this!
Cascadia: A Second Chance
I thought you might be curious about why I went with the name Cascadia—well, my funny friends, it just so happens that as early as 1820, a disenchanted group of Canadians and Americans created a secession movement to redistribute their borders in support of a separate republic. They called this region Cascadia; it runs parallel to the Cascadia fault line along the west coast. The states/provinces included parts of:
- British Columbia
- Northern California
Cascadia even has its own flag and national animal, the geoduck, as well as pleas for financial support:
“Microsoft. Please help out this struggling Cascadian software company by buying their operating system. Tell them you support the Republic of Cascadia and they’ll include the hit game Minesweeper for free!“ — Zapatopi
I figured we gotta start small. Maybe a pimple sized park on the face of the west could lead an actual referendum one day. I like to contribute how I can.
Getting The Right Parcel of Land
First, I selected my parcel of land. Granted it’s owned by a few farmers somewhere between the toothsome town of Sandy and Welches ‘unincorporated community’ in Oregon state, but I’m sure we’ll work out a fair price when the deal gets sealed. If these guys aren’t willing to raise us tender meat or cash in as employees, we can discuss alternate reparations. They’ll have to. This park is happening.
Anyway, there are lots of considerations when selecting land. First of all, you have to consider climate: you don’t want people suing your ass because their genitals froze off in an arctic spring. Then again, you don’t want to be forced into ice baths to chill your ferret in a humidity index of 103 either. You’ve gotta find ambient weather: balmy in the summer, playful in the winter. Nothing too extreme. The extreme part is obviously reserved for Sexland—one of the park’s most famous features which I’ll get to in my next post. You have sex there.
Actually, I’m not sure if a sex park is even legal in the place I have in mind, and if that’s the case, it doesn’t exist. Got it? Forget we ever had this conversation.
There’s also the geopolitical climate to consider: wars, arms races, political instability, meth heads—it’s a tough world out there, you guys. You’ve gotta plan for the worst and keep a cool head when choosing to set up shop. You certainly don’t want to start any wars, holy, sexual, or otherwise since people get their necks in a twist over unadulterated fun. So most of Africa, the South, the middle east, and Montana was out (Montana because of the meth).
I narrowed it down to a few places, did some google mapping, checked climates and topography. I mapped potential environmental risks, access to major rivers and highways, and sussed out proper shrubbery. I narrowed my choices down to some ceremoniously wonderful locales: just outside of Berlin Germany, somewhere in west coast Costa Rica, South of Salt Lake City Utah (just to fuck with people), one of the five garbage gyres, and then the last and best choice: Oregon, USA.
Why not Canada?
Since that would be the homegrown choice, you might be asking why not choose the polite and accommodating Canadiana? Well, first: unless you’re in Vancouver or the Maritimes, we have abrupt two month summers that leave you feeling humiliated and wanting more, and the kicker: our winters dump up to six feet of snow. Have you ever tried to ride a roller coaster in a blizzard? Not exactly a ride to O-town, my pretty pets. Plus, we wanted to perpetuate the myth that we eat raw fish and ride sled dogs all fucking year.
The second tidbit: I guarantee prime minister Harper would have a field day shutting down that kind of fun. The only fun he’ll shimmy dick deep in is the black tar that fills tanker ships on their way to China. Sorry—it’s actually called ‘bitumen’ but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s still the dirtiest oil in the world. He’s actually trying to ram a few pipelines up Canada’s asshole right now! You might be able to tell I don’t care much for Mr. H.
One thing I forgot to mention though: I can get away with calling the leader of our country a tar dick and not be thrown in prison for it. The sweetness of Canadian freedom.
But I digress.
Why not Germany?
This was pretty much a second choice, but only as soon as three mile long giant glass domes become affordable. Till then, Germany, you’re fucking out.
- You’re cold as tits in the winter.
- You’re almost a little too weird.
- I’d have to learn German and I’d have to learn to love currywurst.
- Yes, I have heard of Berghain and their shit-filled bathtubs. A local shared that tidbit, mind you, so it could be heresy. I think that’s a major health violation especially after all that currywurst. This park will outdo Berghain and it will be a sterile park, dammit. At least in between acts.
Why not Costa Rica?
Costa Rica with its sun dappled waters, big-balled monkeys, and breath-sucking volcanoes rising into the mist. Sounds beautiful, doesn’t it. Again, a close second, but here’s the thing:
- I didn’t want the colonialism and ensuing guilt of launching an adult theme park in a poor country that would ultimately resent it. No matter how high the paying wage, name one foreign investment project that hasn’t jerked off into the puddle of sweat and tears made by its inhabitants.
- They have these vicious sand fleas that attack all day and night without mercy and they make you want to murder baby sloths which is a shame because Costa Rica is working really hard to preserve them.
- Our parents live there and since my name would be attached to the park, somehow I feel like I would probably bring them immense shame. But I bet they’d still want season passes.
Why not Utah?
Seriously this one nearly won out; the’ve adjusted their arcane liquor laws recently, they have a pretty rad climate, if not for it being a little dry, they’re into multiple chicks at one time, and I found the idea that an Adult Theme Park touting nudity and moustache rides existing so close to Mormon temple territory seriously amusing.
- But, the governor and state is Republican and somehow I can’t see getting anywhere with my expert persuasion skills, especially with the nudity part. Maybe if I came out in private support of polygamy?
- They have all these weird names that I think would make people go bat shit crazy—especially given that we’d likely be working with local contractors. No thanks Brinleigh Brielle, I don’t need your sass OR your magic underwear.
Why not garbage gyres?
Because, dumbass, they’d keep moving and your roller coaster cars would fill up with garbage.
It was an easy choice. Lush, fertile, elevated, quirky as all hell. Oddballs who learn their chicken’s entire life story before they eat it. That’s the kind of place a theme park like this needs be in to thrive.
A few facts that reign important:
- Since the megathrust 9.0 is on its way to obliterate most of the west coast, I mapped out the height and impending damage of an earthquake and tsunami and made sure that I chose a location more than 1000 feet from the coastline as well as land that was fed by a stream that wouldn’t be flooded by 800m/hr tidal waters.
- It’s also about 1000 feet above sea level, so we have that great climatic balance between warm temperatures and adequate humidity.
- It’s only a 45 minute shuttle or drive from Portland, the holy grail of awesome, so the distance isn’t going to deter anyone from looking forward to a weekend of debauchery and BPA-free water guns filled with gin.
- The area is made up of flat farming land surrounded by a mountain river on one side and lush forests on the other—close to the highway, but off the drag so idiots won’t be tempted to pull trees down with pickup trucks and chains just to get a better view. Not that they do that in Oregon—but they definitely do it in rural Canada.
- It’s close to the tallest volcano in Oregon. Pretty effing cool. Don’t worry—it’s been mostly dormant since the 1700s (oddly enough, about the same time as the last earthquake in the area). I plan to capture its thermal energy and use it to heat our sidewalks and underground swimming pools. Imagine—you could have piped Soda Streams that bring the carbon dioxide straight out of the earth to carbonate your tasty beverages. How nice.
An Impressive Plot
The land you see before you is about three miles squared, or 776 hectares (29 times bigger than that heinous hell hole, Disneyland, at 65 hectares). This mother will make your knees quake. There’s no sense in creating a miniature version of Cascadia. I can phase it out and scale it, but this baby has gotta be big or its gotta go to bed.
Granted, the area isn’t perfect. The Sandy river flooded in 2011, but I’m sure it’s nothing a sturdy retaining wall can’t fix. That’s what structural engineers are for! Haven’t had a chance to survey the land yet, but I figure once I scrape that 6 or 7 billion together, fortifying the land will be the next logical step. That and arranging the celebrity reveal—thinking James Franco would be all over that. He’s as charming as a piccolo and he has great abs. I’ll ask him.
Anyway, I bet you’re dying to know the real lay of the land. It’s not a hard sell, believe you me. Prepare for a visual and mental orgasm. Actually don’t prepare or you’ll make a mess of your American Apparel shirt and have to spend the next fifteen minutes blotting away your tear stains. Take it easy and feast your eyes…
The Lay of the Land
Above you’ll see a roughed out sketch of the park complete with room for phase two development. The blue prints are still broiling. Have patience, my little ducklings. It’ll be utterly and completely worth the wait.
As you’ll notice, the general shape is a crescent that dips down to the south and narrows at the east opening where the road meets. This is where the magic begins. A perky river runs to the south, the paved highway right below that. Now the specs aren’t 100% accurate—I mean, I haven’t even talked to Farmer Joe and his brother about land stability or where we’ll move their farmhouse once construction begins, but you get the general gist of things. I assume we’re talking about hearty bedrock that has a solid backbone of volcanic rock underneath. Obviously I’ll have to sleep with a few venture capitalists, architects, engineers, and construction workers to clarify the big picture here, but the thing you need to know is: this park will be hotter than Miami. Actually screw that. I hate Miami.
From bottom right. It starts with the hotel. Imagine a minimalist, sleek design against the backdrop of the Oregon pines. Completely energy neutral—relying on solar, wind, and geothermal energy. Geothermal has a promising future here in Oregon. Wait, you didn’t think I was just going to build some gaudy, wasteful tribute to Las Vegas, did you?? Of course this is about excess—but in a completely sustainable way. You know who makes assumptions? Assholes, that’s who. We’ll actually be giving back to the grid, thank you very much.
Where was I? Right—this theme park has it all.
- A sleek hotel with all the latest accoutrements
- Pristine lakes and forests
- Pools and water park
- Central square
- Kitten petting zoo
- Cozy cabins
- A partially tucked away Sexland
- Throbbing midway
- A mountain for downhill games including couch racing
- Local artisan shops, pubs, and restaurants
- Phase two expansion including sustainable condo living and art gallery
I’ll flesh those parts out in my next post. You really have to see how this is all going to come together first.
We’ll shuttle a biofuel or Tesla-coil powered bus between Portland airport and this little plot of land throughout the day and night, so rest assured, you don’t have to be a sloppy alcoholic behind the wheel. That, or spend forty-five minutes polluting the earth with carbon monoxide fumes just to get your little ass to Cascadia. We’ll look after the details so you can be a wonderstruck kid again.
Phase two will most definitely field a landing strip and jet service. Haven’t worked out the details yet, but I’m pretty sure I could run a plane on stray lightning bolts. Otherwise, it’ll probably be thorium powered which is riskier from a nuclear perspective, but still better than natural gas.
The entire park will be laced with canals filled with sea busses moving happy-go-luckies between all major stops. The busses will be completely hydraulic—like super paddle wheels or something, and the best part is that for a flat fee you can ride around, eat fresh bay oysters, and swallow some fine wine or local brew on the roof patio. Kind of like a double decker diner.
Speaking of diner, I’ve also been toying with the idea of a macaroni train. It would likely have to be a circular track—electrically powered—that makes stops throughout the park. I don’t want to jump ahead here, but we’d be talking about a la carte gourmet macaronis being served up in each car. It’ll be aptly named the Kraft Diner. I’ll let that one marinate a while. You know you’d be digging in your pockets for a chance to ride this train.
We’ll offer sophisticated breathalyzer wristbands that give you full access to the park, calibrate how drunk you are, and alert you to your blood/alcohol level, beeping before you order the last drink that makes you spew. You’re welcome—it’s really more for you than us. Clean up’s a bitch—and you’ll be holding the mop. This wristband will also allow you to report douche bags and assholes in the vicinity who’s alcohol consumption exposes their real personality. Perhaps the alert will even cause them a painful shock by their own bracelets that will point them to the door, if you get what I mean. I still have to refine the technology a little. Right now, it’s just marbling around in my head.
I mean, I haven’t decided what shape it should be, but it’ll basically represent the ‘town circle’ or ‘square’. The public community building, booze infused, happy fucking existence court where people congregate to do the following:
- Mill (not like making flour, just ‘around’)
- Talk about political events if so inclined
- Bask in the sun
- Make out
- Eat a pork belly sandwich
- Enjoy their adult lives
The best part of this square is that it will be a platform with an interactive hydraulic generator that relies on human foot pressure to produce kinetic energy. Every foot trample, every bounce sends kinetic energy back into the grid. So practical. In the winter, that energy will prevent any freezing of the floor and if that doesn’t work, we’ll have massive bonfires in the middle and turn it into a skating rink. We’d also lay out a piano keyboard somewhere off to the side, but maybe make it audible only by certain radio frequencies so not everybody had to listen to your pathetic musical machinations.
You’ve heard of a swim up bar, but how about a swim up bathroom? Shut your wad; It’s not as risky as it sounds. First we’d start with an elegant minimalist design so you could neatly wade up and step out of the pool over the wall into the bathroom stall (or a track would wheel you automatically inside if you were disabled). It would be elevated above the pool waterline, of course, and have a neat vacuum chamber designed to pull your shit and pee into a heated tank where the harmful bacteria are destroyed and leftovers moved into a catch-all. The heat will likely be geothermal, since we’ve got that handy volcano nearby, but we can hold out for solar or hydro if it’s more cost-effective. I have to pull the numbers on that one.
Another practical part of the design would involve drained pool water to clean the stalls in between uses. Any drips or chunks would be redirected to the freshwater system through the floor for further filtration before meting up with the best part: We’d work with an eco-waste company to create a harmless marsh and reed treatment environment that is better than the current billion dollar chemically based treatment facilities that require gallons of water per flush. I had considered making it a salt-water marsh if we went with a salt pool option, but the longterm feasibility of salt just doesn’t have legs compared to UV filtering. Plus we’d have to create a biosphere environment and import marsh crabs and clams and stuff. Gotta be realistic here.
If you’re impressed with the level of detail here, note two things:
- I do a lot of research.
- I’ve been planning this park since I was a fucking twelve-year-old.
Clothing Mostly Optional
I’ve had some time to flesh out the details and it only makes sense that men and women can go topless throughout the park. To be civil, we’ll keep full nudity to the fuck park. We don’t want to assault people’s eyes with wieners and peaches hanging out everywhere if you’re only here for the laser tag. But seriously, if you’re only here for laser tag, they do that in Portland and it’ll probably be half the cost. Just thought I’d mention that. This is an adult park, yeah? Don’t bring your snot ball of a kid. Just don’t. Yes, he’s cute, but people will be giving messy blow jobs here. This is no place for kids.
Note: It is okay to get pregnant here, but you’ll have to sign a waiver.
Fin. For Now.
This post has just come to an abrupt stop, I’m not gonna pull the wool. There’s just too much goodness to cram into this little guy and I didn’t want you to bleed out from being pummelled all at once, so I’ll see you on the flip side when we talk about our main attractions at Cascadia. Trust me, you’ll cream your pants when you realize your childhood dreams have been turned into a reality.
Anyone want to throw in $20 for a Kickstarter campaign?
READ PART THREE: Coming Attractions At Cascadia; The World’s First Adult Theme Park
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