Philly. The Musical.

by Rachel Gertz

Day 172

Ever go to a city and just feel like it sings to you? Philadelphia was a musical. From the time we entered to our departure, the mirthful music of joyful encounters, random traffic tolls, and Apple Store lust resounded in our ears.

Here’s how it went (picture this to ‘Orphan Annie musical’ music)

Cue music.

Scene 1, On the Road

Me: Oh look. I think I see it. The RV park is so majestic.

Travis: Actually, my dear, it looks a bit infested (with ducks).

Unison: Let’s rent a zipcar and be on our way. We can’t wait to see the sights of Philly.

Me: Oh f*ck, is this another toll on the toll highway??

Travis: It sure is. Let’s see how much they want for us to stay. These roads are trash.

Disgruntled Ticket Person: That’ll be $6 cash.

Travis: But we don’t have any cash. What to do so we can pass?

Disgruntled ticket man: Here’s a ticket violation. Phone it in, you can’t pay at the station.

Rachel: Glad that’s sorted out. Let’s go to Philly and get some beer!

Travis: Alright, but we should really get a little work done here.

Scene 2, Beside a Funky Coffee Shop

Unison: I am so glad we’re in this beautiful city. Working out of a Calgary office is such a pity

Nice Lady: Oh wait, don’t plug the meter. I have an hour left on my ticket, but don’t need to be here

Unison: Thanks, Nice Lady! We can tell Philly is not a gritty city.

Scene 3, Jim’s Steaks

Rachel: Time for a cheese steak. Alright, that wasn’t bad.

Travis: Let’s check out the Liberty Bell. If we don’t, I’ll be sad.

Scene 4, Dinner in the Lazy Evening

Hot Gay Server: Try the braised lamb. It’s damn delectable.

Me: I don’t even like lamb, but I’ll try it just the same.

Travis: They can cook a mean steak. That’s respectable. But it’s still not as good as Travis James’.

Scene 5, Downtown Philadelphia in the heat

Rachel: Is that man wearing a fuzzy purple suit? He’s calling out to all the ladies.

Travis: I love this city dearly; the way that hell loves Hades.

Rachel: Now I wanna get my toe nails painted.


Rachel: They didn’t steam the instruments. I feel tainted.

Scene 6, At Timberlane RV Park

Travis: It’s all ready time to drop off the Subaru.

Rachel: So that means I’m driving Walter into the city without you?

Travis: It’ll be fine. I’ll follow your ass.

Rachel: Oh no, we’re on empty. I’m stopping for gas.

Travis: I gotta get this car back before one!

Rachel: Ok, see you later. It’s gotta get done.

Scene 7, The Ill Fated Toll Booth

Evil Ticket Man: Muahahaha. That’ll be 12 bones.

Rachel: But I only have six dollars!

Evil Ticket Man: You don’t have the bones?? That makes me holler. Go to the glass booth and pay with your Visa. I hate my job, life & that booth girl, Louisa.

Rachel: I hate that I’m crying, but Walter’s 31 feet. Him in downtown Philly = me, dead meat.

Scene 8, John F Kennedy Highway

Travis: You made it! What’s wrong??

Rachel: I’m so stressed I can’t talk, let’s move along.

Travis: GPS, why are you steering us through the ghettos of Philly?

Rachel: It’s broken again? I going to scream. Really.

Travis: Don’t worry, there’s the Apple Store. We’re saved.

Rachel: Don’t take this the wrong way: you’re depraved.

Scene 9, Inside Walter to West Chester City

Travis: I got to fondle the iPad. I need a cigarette.

Rachel: Weirdo. At least we dominated the challenges we met.

Unison: We enjoyed this trip so much, let’s tell the internet.

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