Steamy Scientology Secrets

by Rachel Gertz

I don’t usually reference Vanity Fair since I don’t usually equate Vanity Fair with real news, but this article was pretty memorable.

As many of you might know, legendary couch-stomper and Cocktail heartthrob Tom Cruise was divorced by the submissive Katie Holmes recently. Naturally, this cracked open the mystique surrounding their relationship as well as Tom’s infatuation with the other love of his life: Scientology.

Turns out, after his failed marriage to Nicole Kidman in 2001, Cruise was having a little trouble finding a replacement wife. That’s when Scientology stepped in, or should I say, took the wheel. Tom has been a Scientologist for quite some time—Mimi Rogers sucked him into it back in the eighties.

For many, it’s extremely important to find a spouse who shares your religious views. Likewise for Scientologists. To perpetuate its dogma of complete devotion, the religious cult actually began auditing women for Cruise to marry; asking them hundreds of personal questions right down to the explicit number and type of sex acts they had engaged in. Turns out Katie wasn’t the only pea in his marriage pod. One of the potential mates selected was a young actress by the name of Nazanin Boniadi. Scientology made her life a living hell, and now Vanity Fair is exposing everything from Tom’s temper tantrums to her attempt to regain her life after being rejected by the sinister community that selected her for him. She’s gone on to create a fairly successful acting career, but I don’t think anyone leaves unscathed by Scientology. Incidentally, I’m also waiting for a “Cruise control” joke. Anyone?

“Auditing is a very big deal in Scientology, its expensive version of Roman Catholic confession, administered by an auditor posing hundreds of questions to a paying subject holding on to two metal canisters wired to an Electropsychometer, or E-Meter, which measures the body’s reactions to the questions somewhat as a lie detector does.

In case you don’t watch Oprah and didn’t witness Cruise’s Scientology-inspired insanity while on the show, here are some Scientology basic facts that’ll make you want to hold on more tightly to your wayward relatives. And your wallet. Did you you can buy your way to top membership? Only about $130 000. We happen have a Scientology church around the corner that offers free ‘personality tests’. There are always ominous looking people smiling huge smiles as you walk by.

It frightens me to think that seemingly smart people get sucked into this rhetoric and lose their fucking marbles. But c’mon, how bad could it really be?

Check out this 2007 video of secret footage captured by BBC to decide. And keep an eye on those weird cousins talking about Xenu.

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