The Countdown.

by Rachel Gertz

Day 183

I think this is the suggested official day that we’re supposed to be back across the border. But we don’t really know because the information posted on the interwebs is so contradicting, it’s like seeing someone else’s reflection in the mirror in front of you. If anyone is interested in visiting the US for over 90 days, do some research, okay?

At any rate, because we know you care and miss us a great deal (there’s at least five of you), and because we legally have to, we’re coming back to Canada in T-5 days. The proposed return date is Friday, April 23rd. This is actually four days short of the six month window we were given. Border patrol, please note… We are good peaceful Canadians and do not wish to spread bad karma. Please let us back into Canada. At the same time, we like the US, so we’d appreciate it if you would also consider letting us back once in a while, too.

We’ll be sliding up through Bangor, Maine and crossing at a little outpost called Houlton into New Brunswick, eh? There, the obligatory ‘eh’. Now shut your mouth, Jerkin Van Gurken.

Crap. That means we have a shit ton of prep to do. Like figure out exactly how many bicycles, bazookas, and blankets we have. Gotta tear Walter apart to make sure no one else planted odd haze-inducing leaves under the axle.

Sidebar: A former coworker’s parents RV’ed into a huge trap when their motor home was confiscated at the border. Seems US guards found some weed that been planted by a hooligan under the RV when the ole’ Smiths stopped at a rest stop before crossing. We refuse to make any mistakes. We will scour the vestibule ferociously and take no pee breaks. At least I won’t. Travis is all, “You worry too much.” Whatever. Pee freely, ya old beanbag [a term of endearment].

Stay tuned for the show down. We’ll probably film the aftermath, and hopefully we won’t have any border-patrol-induced emotional-wreckage to sob about. But if we do, you can be damn sure you’ll get a kick out of watching it.


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