Travis and I have decided that from now on, Valentine’s Day will be the least romantic day of the year. Today we’re going to don sweatpants over unwashed genitals and go to Home Depot to hunt down that damn chain on the blinds that’s been broken for over a year. Know why? Because our neighbours are nosy. That’s why.
Valentines Day; A Brief History
You’re probably thinking I’m a chump for beating up on Valentine’s Day. But you know what? Valentine’s Day is a chump. It’s not even a real day for crying out loud! It was refined (like the month of Christmas) by the fancy powers that be. By greeting card companies and chocolate makers and lingerie stores who all have a vested interest in your sex life and your tight little wallet.
Maybe it started out authentic, like when it was about honouring that mystery man and priest Saint Valentine who went around marrying soldiers at a time when marriage was illegal. Single men made better warriors according to the Roman empire. Yeah, Valentine also spent time ministering to Catholics who’s religion was and continues to be fairly unpopular. He was eventually killed for his beliefs. I guess you could say V Day had a legitimate beginning. But it sure as shit wasn’t romantic. In fact, if early Catholics knew you’d gone and used Valentine’s Day to wet and get your noodle goosed, they’d have a fricking bird!
Valentine’s head is in a jar in New Minster, Winchester, if you’re interested. And, no that’s not a euphemism.
Middle Aged Romance
In blew the 1300s. Blame Geoffrey Chaucer for perverting the Catholic holiday with poetry steeped in romantic sentiment. That asshole poet wrote Parlement of Foules and gifted it to Richard II on his wedding anniversary. Basically the title is bad English for “Volantynys day is kinda sexy, so forget about the Catholic part and let’s just do this.” At least I think that’s what he meant.
At any rate, the Catholic thing sort of died out after a number of sexy perversions, cheap postal rates in the 18th century, and sentimental bachelors with no skill for penmanship. Combined, they led Valentine’s Day to become a powerhouse of card stock and candy. The rest is history. You can read all about it if you’re that enamoured.
V Day Today
Just how popular is Valentine’s Day? Well, 62% of the earth’s people celebrate the event, including Canadians, Americans, Mexicans, Australians, and the French. Love hungry consumers everywhere tear down shelves to buy over 180 million paper Valentine’s Day cards a year! That’s enough trees to make, well, 180 million cards. They ogle high-fructose corn syrup candy displayed lecherously in every London Drugs or Drugmart on the way home from work. Think of all those diabetic comas!
You’re pleading. Don’t ruin Valentine’s Day for me! You already ruined Christmas. Please don’t ruin another holiday.
The truth is, I probably will ruin this day for you. But don’t worry. You likely won’t get anything you want anyway, and this reality check is good for you. Trust me.
There are 365 days in a year. That’s 365 days you can be sweet to someone and pick up their dirty socks.
- 365 days you can have raw, meaty sex bent over the washing machine or behind the recycling bins.
- 365 days you can hold hands and not care if the other person farts on the couch a little.
- 365 days you can argue about who loves who more and then steal the car to prove it.
That, my friends, is 365 days of being consumed by LOVE LOVE LOVE.
You need at least ONE fucking day off, am I right? One day to be a slovenly human being and forget to appreciate the person who puts up with your ass every day. At least one day where you don’t have to say, “I love you honey,” with your nose all scrunched up—after you pinch a butt cheek and shake your peener in the air like a helicopter.
Enter the Revolution
Forget about Hallmark greeting cards and pesticide roses on February 14th. Forget sexy but ill-fitting bras and panties, those shitty chocolates with the weird cherries in them. Don’t even bother with a romantic dinner or a movie in honour of a pathetic day like Valentine’s. Take things into your own hands and have a bottle of sparkling wine and Doritos all to yourself. Take back Valentine’s Day!
We’re flipping V Day the bird and then making it our official Love Day Off. The freedom is unreal. We can slob it up in our underwear, eat wine gums and hummus, ignore each other, and masturbate while watching Antiques Roadshow. Why? Because we damn well need a break from all that boring love stuff that grosses people out the other 364 days of the year.
I’ve got a special message for you, Valentines.
You can take that Hershey boner and that Starbucks soundtrack and shove it. I’m out.
Hard Hitting V Day Facts
- Love is total Bullshit
- The average consumer spends about $116 on Valentine’s Day crap each year.
- 76% of flowers are bought by men.
- 15% of women buy themselves flowers on Valentine’s Day.
- 85% of all Valentines cards are bought by women.
- Almost 40% of our chocolate is made by plantations using child labour.
- Victoria Secret uses child labour in it’s ‘Fair Trade’ cotton nighties.
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