You wouldn’t think that standing on our own two feet would lead to wild nights of frisky sex, but the research is in: acting like an adult in your relationship and soothing your own hurts and insecurities rather than expecting your partner to do so means you’ll be more likely to to connect authentically. If the math is right, this means more time for naughty exploits fuelled by hot respect and appreciation for your partner’s love of crappy sitcom TV.
David Snarch, a distinguished New York psychologist, believes that in order to have a successful marriage, we need to “claim our sense of self in the presence of another“ (Psychology Today). There’s an assumption that emotional attachment to your partner is the thing feeding your burning love sensation, when in reality the ability to let go and get some distance from marital gridlock—a time when neither of you is able to do the things you value or speak your own mind—is the true fuel your nethers need to burn.
“Gridlock in marriage is guaranteed. After all the late night confessionals and wild sex, after all those walks in the park and vacations with friends, after the children have gone to bed and the bills have been paid, only gridlock remains. And there’s just one road out of gridlock if you want to keep your marriage intact. You can’t communicate your way out of it. You can’t empathize your way out of it. You have to learn to soothe your own discomfort, regulate your own emotions, and pursue your own goals. To stop being a drain on your partner and to handle problems on your own. That way, says Schnarch, we “open enough space” to get closer and provide room for passionate love to return.
I think both singles and marrieds can get something out of this insightful article. Guess I better stop asking Travis to hold my hand when I’m feeling constipated and take my hurt into my own hands.
Thanks for the share, Lynn.