That's Not the Only Thing You'll Get to Stick in Your Mouth!

by Rachel Gertz

When I tell you what I’m going to tell you, your job is to forget your immediate gut reaction. Forget the thing that’s going to make you think that I’m a total perv and that all I think about are things that lurk on Showcase and HBO. I swear, this isn’t like that.

Here’s my idea: a real ADULT THEME PARK.

Stop thinking about Red Shoe Diaries! I told you it isn’t like that.

I know this isn’t a new idea. I googled the words and of course there are sixty-four nincompoops voicing their opinions about magical fuck parks in the middle of the woods. South Korea already boasts Loveland, a park filled with erotic statues, and China was in the midst of building their own version before it was torn down in a fit of controversy. The Hedonist resorts already exists and I wouldn’t dream of messing with that fabulous model. Everyone is always linking the word ‘adult’ with sex.

No. A fuck park is not what I want to build—I mean it’ll probably be a small component, but I have much loftier goals.

Genesis. The Beginning.

Let’s bring it back to basics. Ever since I was real woman (post-puberty and confident enough to share my ideas) I daydreamed about what it would be like to have a park completely dedicated to adults. I dreamed about the rides, the water park, the food, the adventure. And it tickled me pink. All I needed was some angel investors and a little imagination (and I guess some architects, engineers, and a dozen carnie stands) and this thing could come alive.

Fast forward eleven years to today. I still dream about this park. I wake up in the middle of the night sweating with ideas for jello statues and an itch to ride on life-sized go-cart tracks. I know I have to get it down on paper or it will continue to live inside me like a fetus-in-fetu (although last time I checked those things don’t live very long). There’s guts and glory to this idea. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. Besides, I’m an idea woman. If you build it, we’ll go halvesies. Deal?

Let’s make this thing happen.

History of The Theme Park

Humans have always been wired for fun. The first amusement park appeared in Denmark in 1583. Before that, people just participated in a ton of orgies and watched public beheadings for entertainment. And I guess that makes sense since at the time “[t]he only passive forms of entertainment were watching people die and watching people have sex. The only active forms of entertainment were drinking, singing, dancing, killing and having sex” (Guy Code Blog). We’ve really come a long way, guys.

As time danced on, wherever people gathered, entertainment options sprang up like the herpes virus. There were snake oil merchants and cabarets with boobies and bearded ladies and shackled dancing bears. There was penis puppetry and cotton candy and rides that would make you puke or sever your limbs. Every experience was hinged on the voracity of adult pleasure. But since I guess it’s always been tough to find a babysitter, these prehistoric festivities had to placate kids with teacup rides and dumb ass mascots and Disney. Mine won’t be like that.

A True Pleasure Park

Like I said, this is a park of carnal desires, but not neccesarily sexy desires of the flesh. Instead we’re talking about everything you ever loved as a kid being recreated for your adult self. A full fledged water park with pool side movies and swim up bar, booze fountains, balls pit, mud wrestling with hotties, rides, naked flying. I’ll show you the schematics later. It would be a wonderland specifically designed for people who want to preserve that sense of childish adventure, without the actual child being anywhere nearby. Part of the park could be designated for sex—it is a park for adults after all. I’d hate to lose half my target audience because I didn’t consider basic needs.

A Mission To Make You Come

What do I hope to accomplish by introducing the world’s first adult theme park? Restoring people’s sanity mostly.

  • As ‘mature adults’ we’re so wired for productivity, 72% of us check our email before we’re even out of bed in the morning (Mail Chimp: Email on Mobile Devices Study). This has resulted in people working two more hours per day on average and being on call virtually 24 hours a day.
  • We ultimately work six days a week between the brain drain of the day job and the mental torment of the work we take home with us.
  • We put dishes, kids, and the dog before our partners and our own happiness. Half of marriages end in divorce, and of the half that lasts, up to 20% of those couples aren’t getting any nookie ever (there’s evidence somewhere. Google it).
  • We spend money on Gucci bags and cheap t-shirts when we should be spending it on experiences—things we we can take with us to the grave. Things that will light a fire in our pants and panties and get our hearts racing.
  • We only get one shot at this thing called life. Christ. We need to let loose and have a little fun before the ice caps melt or the banks all fail in one ginormous debt orgy. And with my background as a chaos theorist, I’m telling you that could happen to-fucking-morrow.

I think an adult theme park is exactly what humans need to prevent us from taking ourselves so bloody seriously and falling into a miserable depression. Besides, they’ve got bible theme parks all over the goddamned place (tax funded, I might add). Why not adult theme parks? If you’re not up for this, we should all march right back to that no-laughter Puritan era circus where ‘fun’ was burning people at the stake and pretending Satan lived in your scrotum. Capiche?

Rules of the Game

This isn’t going to be a free-for-all. This is my idea, friends, and I play hard-ball. I’m not creating a park so idiots can vomit everywhere and morons can run wild copping a feel. You want to come? Then you better play by the rules.

Here’s how it’s gonna go.

1. No Douche Bags.

Everyone knows what a douche bag is, and if you don’t, you probably are one. But because I’m nice, here’s a description…

How to spot a douche bag:

  • shows up with popped collar
  • hits on your girl or boyfriend
  • dark sunglasses at night
  • frosted tips
  • oodles of hair gel
  • tribal tattoos
  • angel wings or flourishes (on skin or clothing)
  • listens to Top 40 hits while pumping iron and grunting hard
  • Ugg boots
  • Two inch thick layer of lipstick
  • a showy BMW or Dodge Charger
  • glitter or rhinestones on their clothing (except @jcroft. He’s cool)
  • hats with tags still attached
  • an arrogant attitude
  • bad facial hair (like chin straps) or hair extensions
  • favourite drink is Vodka Red Bull or Jagger Bombs
  • has no boundaries; respects no boundaries
  • has a mucosa problem
  • Basically anyone from Jersey Shore

Douche bags will NOT be allowed in the park. We’ll filter them out at the gate with a douche bag test (still in development). If anyone passes the douchebag test and we don’t find out, then I guess they weren’t that douchy and nothing to worry about. If we do find out, they’ll be thrown out and barred from ever coming back. We’ll also take their douchy clothes and their hair gel and incinerate them. The people, not the clothes. I’m a reasonable person.

2. No Assholes.

Sometimes assholes are harder to filter out at the gate since they may not yet be pumped full of booze and drugs. But because their behaviour inevitably shows itself and they’ll likely be drenched in booze once they’re inside, it’ll be relatively easy to boot them out when it does happen. No second chances. If you’re a fucking asshole, you’re out.

An asshole:

  • brings knives to a gunfight or vice versa
  • tries to beat up counter staff or other people and then denies it
  • cuts in front of you in line and then flips you the bird
  • breaks beer bottles and leaves half eaten french fries in the pool
  • pisses pants
  • vomits all over everything (Douche bags also do this)
  • lights police cars on fire with flaming rags
  • cops a feel of anyone who doesn’t want or ask to be copped; especially junk in the trunk
  • drives hummers or giant Ford Trucks with balls hanging from the back (Douche bags may also do this)
  • thinks rape jokes are hilarious

Don’t even bother asking if your friend Santorum can come. He’s definitely an asshole.

3. No Shitty Music.

You heard me. You want to come in here, then you better have at least a rudimentary understanding of good taste.

What will absolutely NOT be playing on the speakers while you’re here?

  • No country western music
  • No pop hits UNLESS unanimously agreed upon by all staff (NO fucking Ke$ha)
  • No contemporary adult music (Celine and Brian Adams: you’re fucking out)
  • No trip hop or lounge music. Suck my balls.
  • No top 40s rock
  • No boy bands
  • No Creed, Hanson, or Nickelback or an other stupid shit that was contrived by shit head producers
  • No dub step!

Aww, muffin. You want to listen to some Keith Urban while you sunbathe? Tough shit. Get your fix in the car before you come in. This musical aggression will not stand, man. No exceptions.

4. You Puke or Poop, You Clean.

Sometimes puking or pooping is an accident, but if you’re at this park, it probably isn’t. So let it be known: if you spew your guts out from either a northerly or southerly direction (doesn’t matter if it’s food poisoning, anal leakage, too many rides, or too much fucking) you will clean it up. And if you do a shitty job cleaning it before you collapse into a puky, shitty heap and are carted away to your hotel room, we’ll send you a nice little invoice net 30 days plus interest. Cab rules, guys. Sorry. It’s only fair.

5. 21 And Up.

That’s right. This park is for adults. No salacious minors or snotty almost-theres allowed. The wait will be worth it. Now go get your dance on at Señor Frogs you cute little shits. See you in a few years.

Well, I think that’s it for rules so far. I’m sure I’ll have plenty to add to this here list, but I didn’t want to overwhelm you and change your mind about this being the best damn theme park ever created.

There’s a part two and three coming up—don’t be disappointed. I have a location, sexy selection of adult rides and attractions to titillate you, and a sustainable business plan that I’ve been meaning to share. Like I said, this thing is real and its bursting out of me like a cheesy tuna casserole.

Got a name for it?


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